But, being a geek, the lure of technology eventually wore me down and not quite two years ago I finally got a cell phone. I wasn't the last person on the planet to get one, but I did my best.
The phone was a little bulky, but it had a sliding keyboard that was nice since I didn't know if I was the kind of person that would text. The monthly plan changes annoyed me, but I figured that was just the way things were.
And slowly, I got lulled. It was kinda nice to chat with my sister on the way home from work. Text messages were kinda fun. I liked having a camera with me all the time. The service seemed pretty good in my area and I didn't have many dropped calls. It was... okay. And all that hatred started to fade into a quiet acceptance. I was careful to always keep it with me and dutifully kept it charged. The phone became part of my daily routine.
But about a month or so ago, something changed. I found that I had no signal strength at my apartment. In fact, after some tests, it appeared to die just as I pulled into my driveway. I'd have maybe one bar - if that - and the phone's battery would swiftly drain as it tried to find a signal. Instead of days between charging, I'd get maybe an hour at home before it was desperately beeping as it died.
So, yesterday after my haircut, I stopped by my local Verizon store to figure out what was going on. The guy there was helping someone and I waited patiently. At one point, he asked if I had a question while he was still working with customer and I told him to go ahead - I was in no hurry. And I didn't want some flippant answer to get rid of me to get back to the paying customer. A second staff member showed up after a while and she came over to help me.
Side note: She was dressed in the standard "uniform" - but was wearing a headband that might have been more appropriate at a jazzercise class. I'm not judging, but I'm just saying...
Anyway, I explained what was happening and asked what kinds of things might be causing interference in the signal. You know, science.
Her reply:
"I notice you're using one of the old (it's less than 2 years) Alltel phones. The towers in the area were upgraded and that might be causing the signal issues. You should be eligible for an upgrade on your phone."
Translation: "We changed something that had a negative impact on our customers without telling them and the only fix is to drain more money out of them by selling them a new overpriced phone they don't want or need and calling it an upgrade because we hate you all and don't understand the basics of customer service or human decency"
And in that moment, my hatred of cell phones returned. It swelled up around me like a fleece blanket, warm from the dryer. Then it burrowed into my skin, down to my very soul, where it began to fester and rot.
Ahhhhhh, yeah. That's the stuff. Feels sooooooo good to be back on familiar ground.
I told her that I wasn't prepared to get a new phone right then, but that I'd stop back.
Translation: "You've wasted enough of my time and I'm too angry to think carefully about the phone I'd get and vulnerable to your evil psychological sales tactics. I'm going to do some research so I can come back here and get a phone that is actually appropriate for my needs and doesn't get chosen for me to feed your commission."
As I was walking out the door she called out to me and said that if I hit *228 option 2 it might help, but she couldn't guarantee it. I thanked her and went on my way.
Yeah, right. Like I'm going to push some random buttons on my phone before I have everything backed up. Do I look like George Jetson? I like pushing buttons, but let's be serious here.
So, with the hatred spreading its poison into my system, I got in my car, filled the air with some deeply satisfying swear words (including a couple new ones I made up on the spot), and went home.
I'll do my homework, back up my data, and in a few days I'll head back and get a new phone. I guess the anger at being screwed with is tempered by the satisfaction of knowing I'm being screwed with. And I'm hooked on the convenience of a phone now - any kind of defiance is just going to hurt me and won't impact their bottom line much. I suppose I could switch carriers if I could find one that wasn't pure evil, but I doubt such a thing exists.
So, I'm back to hating cell phones. It feels like things are right with the world again, I've got a baseline to my emotional levels.
And though it sickens me to the core and makes me physically uncomfortable, I'm wondering it I can get a new phone in metallic green. (shudder)
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